It’s been more than three years since I gave birth to our miracles. Life as we know it changed that day. For better or for worse. Those are the words we vowed to each other years before the triplets. It did get worse, didn’t it? I didn’t know how difficult it could be to keep our love alive at the most happy, but most trying time of our lives. I forgot about you. Our three tiny babies became my life. I am writing this letter as an apology now, but there are a few things you need to know first.
I didn’t know what to expect. I only knew what it was to be a mother from observation. My sister taught me how to parent a single baby. I was ignorant on how to be a mother in triplicate. I read as much as I possibly could while on bed rest all those weeks, but it did not prepare me for what was to come. Those first few months as a stay at home mom to triplets stole every ounce of my energy. They stole every ounce of who I had been. Your loving wife became lost. I gave my all to those babies and not only did I forget who I was, I left you behind too.
I resented you for a long time. Every single day I watched you walk out our door to leave for work. And every single day I hated you more and more for it. You would come home and complain about how hard your day was or how childish your employees had been that day. You don’t know hard work until take care of three newborns all day long. It was the most difficult job I have ever had. Sure, I had help. And I resented the fact that it wasn’t you helping. You, after all, are their father. Day after day, night after night, I did the same thing over and over again. I wanted to be able to leave the house, alone, for an entire day too. I wanted you to know that no matter how challenging your day was, mine was 1000 times harder. I didn’t feel you appreciated what I had given up to be a mother of triplets.
I wasn’t crazy. By the time the babies were a year old, I felt the woman who I once was would never return. I cannot express enough the undying love I had for our babies, but there were days I resented them too. I could not handle the crying. I screamed. I yelled. I just lost it. It was like an out-of-body experience. I could see myself being this awful, crazy, loud, ugly woman to my children, but I could not make it stop. I spit these disgusting words from my mouth all the while my mind is telling me to “shut up you insane woman!” I was mean. And I scared my babies. I saw fear in their eyes. And that broke my heart. You didn’t understand. Sometimes you made me feel worse, not better. Sometimes you weren’t on my side. You called me crazy. I wasn’t though. It was exhaustion, post traumatic stress disorder, and delayed postpartum depression.
I got help, but there are still hard days. More than two years from that day being a stay at home mom is still the hardest job I have ever done. The kids became more independent, but with that comes new challenges. I no longer have to make 24 bottles a day. Now I’m cleaning breakfast, lunch, and dinner from the floor. Having three toddlers follow you around all day begging to be held is debilitating. Having three toddlers vie for your complete attention can break me. Three years later I am still both mentally and physically exhausted at the end of the day. There are some nights that you can’t understand why I don’t want to be touched or why I need me time. We end up arguing. Please don’t take it personally. It’s not you, it’s me.
I found myself. For so long I was “just a mother of triplets.” Last summer I decided that it was my time to thrive again. I quietly stepped into another room and started blogging. I starting making things and editing photos. I became a mother of triplets and a writer. I became a mother of triplets and a crafter. I became a mother of triplets and a photographer. I am thriving. Although I am still often tired and emotional, I am thriving as a mommy of triplets. I am thriving as a woman.
I found you too. One day I blinked and there you were. You, my husband, my friend, my love. I missed you. I’m sorry it took so long for me to find you again. I had to find myself first. It’s been a grueling, yet awesome journey. We’ve made it this far, I can’t imagine us giving up now. I won’t quit if you won’t quit. We are still us. We’re just us with three happy, healthy, crazy toddlers now.
For better or worse. It’s getting better, isn’t it?